World on a string, My grams and Alzheimer's

“You're so beautiful," said Alice. "I'm afraid of looking at you and not knowing who you are."

 "I think that even if you don't know who I am someday, you'll still know that I love you."

 "What if I see you, and I don't know that you're my daughter, and I don't know that you love me?"

 "Then, I'll tell you that I do, and you'll believe me.”

― Lisa Genova, Still Alice

I just recently spent a week with my grandma out in Nebraska. She is 94. She’s been a real crackerjack all my life. I hate what Alzheimer’s is putting her through.  I told her I loved her so many times during that week, it might have seemed like I was the one with neurons firing improperly. Sometimes Gramma’s gaze was far off, but sometimes she would look  into me and say “I love you too… and I really mean it.”  I’ve never felt anything but love from my grams, and I still feel it. 

Sometimes beautiful Carmen struggled to get the right words out, and when they made no sense my heart sank for her. Many times I discovered that I was biting my lip to keep tears at bay. I was determined not to cry. This is so much worse for her than me.  Changing and bathing and bathroom duties compromised her dignity and clearly caused her stress. She’d tell me I’d lost my gold star as I tried to help quickly and gently. Sometimes “no gold star” became “leave me alone, asshole” and inside I’d smile Yay, Grams, crystal clear, all the words where they should be.

 My grandma loves music. Noah played one of her favorites. Sinatra.

I’ve got the world on a string

I’m sitting on a rainbow

Got the string around my finger

What a world, what a life – I’m in love

When Noah was just a babe, Gram would sing that song to him and when he became a talker, he’d sing it back—in person, on the phone. It was their song. So much time had passed since I’d heard it, and then there they were sitting on the sofa together, Noah with his computer playing the song for her on itunes and she’s swaying with the melody, a smile across her face.

 

I miss Gramma.  I miss Carmen.  On Saturday Noah and I have an amazing opportunity to walk for an Alzheimer’s cure.  Check out the link below if you are so inclined.
 
Life’s a wonderful thing
As long as I hold the string

I’d be a silly so-and-so

If I should ever let her go

Link to Alzheimer's Walk